TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it will come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are talking Damascus, the town historically noted for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be huge. Incredible!" Trump declared by using a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed in the Placing green within Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have had stunning ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the most effective. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and totally outside of area. Intended by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour till the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable water. But Sure, sure, let's have A different location in which American Gentlemen can don robes and connect with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace attempt considering the fact that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. When past negotiations unsuccessful below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is easier: offer you Everybody a collection around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


According to files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is soft electricity," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a deal and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock needs fewer diplomats plus more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms put in in each unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest pointed out, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in a war zone. It really is that he should quit employing it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regards to the venture, replied, "You know, person, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Superior men and women. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory on the Levant."



Satellite Shots Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the resort's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head seen from Area, a feature becoming marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and the chin is… well, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits soon after getting the making's gold plating mirrored a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.


"It really is not only hideous. It is a war crime with curtains," claimed Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Perplexing Characteristics


Probably the strangest component from the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium in which guests may perhaps contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, total with weather Command established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Community Syrians are Uncertain what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Technique: "Should you Bomb It, They're going to Appear"


The advertisement campaign, not long ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Endlessly."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll executed within a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% explained "where by's the closest elevator towards the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is presently attracting notice from Worldwide buyers, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll buy 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance Trump Tower Damascus with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount may also incorporate:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Dependant on the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait around to view a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a hotel exactly where my PTSD can have transform-down service."


Another post from @KuwaitiKardashian only requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Studies recommend:




  • China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to develop a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Last Views in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that included three camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It wanted gold. It needed a waterslide shaped such as Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You're welcome."

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